Friday, June 20, 2008

EADS Comments on GAO Tanker Decision

EADS, still shocked over the GAO's unexpectedly scathing decision on the tanker contract award decision has decided to highlight that often things do not go as planned in the military.

"In fact," said EADS spokesperson Jon Batiste, "military decision making is often screwed up, so this condition should not be considered grounds for a contract rebid.

Mr. Batiste further mentioned that he believed that, "an American general of some importance once said, 'A bad contract decision executed now, is preferable to a good contract executed later.' Or something like that."

In related news, today the Air Force released its Agency Post Decision Brief where they make an argument for continuing with the contract regardless of the GAO decision:
In closing we quote that great scholar and patriot Bluto, "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

So we respectfully say that the GAO should mind its own business. Civilian control of military procurement and Congressional oversight only go so far in our minds. We are going ahead with awarding the contract to the KC-30 team so get over it.
Boeing declined TAnchorman's offer to comment.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Winner

TAnchorman would like to announce that, in a bizarre twist of events, a dark horse write-in candidate has won the Name the Tanker Contest.

Throughout the contest two of the finalist, Scarebus and Euronator, looked as though they would make this a two party race by building a substantial lead on the competition.

But, over the weekend a furious grassroots write-in campaign was mounted in support of the name Le Misérable. A reader who identified himself only as V. Hugo was seemingly able to use his considerable LinkedIn contacts and Facebook friends to overwhelm the established party candidates.

The final tallies for the candidates were as follows: Scarebus received 11 votes, Euronator received 23 votes, and Le Miz received 136 votes.

For winning, Mr. Hugo will receive a full color poster of the KC-30. We apologize in advance for its condition as it was unfortunately, and totally accidentally, ripped a number of times by IAM union members visiting the Hill in support of the KC-767.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Finalists

TAnchorman is proud to present the official nose art for the KC-30, as seen on the right, and to announce the top 15 submissions to the name the KC-30 contest:

1) the FODzilla
2) the Scarebus
3) the Euronator
4) the DeGaull Bladder
5) the Tankosaurus
6) the Bloated Buzzard
7) the Bobbitt Boomer
8) the S Cargo
9) the Hauling Gasser (The G is silent)
10) the Jaeger
11) the French Tinkler
12) the Follies Breger
13) the Wankyan Tanka (Note: Wakinyan Tanka is the Native American Thunder Bird.
14) the Hunker Junker (Note: Junkers was a WWII German aircraft company)
15) the Flying Dutchcan (Note: Myth of a sea captain selling his soul to the devil. Also, EADS Hq is in the Netherlands)

From these submission we have chosen the below 7 finalists which we will now allow our readers to vote on to decide the name of the KC-30. The poll will close at noon on 16 June and the winner will be announced that evening.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Worker Sees Face of Jesus in Fuel Leak

Last Thursday in a hanger outside of Dresden Germany, EADS maintenance worker Erwin Huber was cleaning off the first tanker scheduled to be delivered as part of the US Air Force contract. While doing so, he was startled to see the residue of a fuel leak.

“I wasn’t really worried about the leak,” he said, “That happens all the time with this thing. But, I just couldn't believe my eyes because the leak residue on the side of the plane looked like the face of Jesus.”(Click on photo to view larger size)

"When I saw it I got goose pimples," 35-year-old Mr Huber said yesterday. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair."

EADS’s head of marketing, Marwan Lahoud, was quick to capitalize on the phenomena by offering what is now being marketed as “God’s New Tanker” to the Vatican.

In a full page ad in L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO publish yesterday, EADS claims:
Only one tanker provides the most capability for the Swiss Guards.

Only one tanker offers the best value for the parishioners.

Only one tanker is willing to open a production facility in Vatican City that will support 48,000 new tourist jobs.

Only one tanker has been judged superior by God in 8 out of 10 Commandments.
It should be noted that no one this reporter spoke to at the Vatican was willing to provide an official comment on EADS's offer to supply tankers or their statement to have created God's favored plane.

Regardless if the Holy See decides to purchase the plane or not, an EADS spokesperson stated that, “The image may delay the delivery to the Air Force. The number of people who have crowed the hanger to view the leak has caused quite a work slow down. Also, pilots are now refusing to fly the holy plane.”

Hans Studer, head of the German pilots union refuted this claim by saying, “All our pilots are somewhat religious but their refusal to fly it had nothing to do with the image. The plane is holey all right, but it is hardly divine. You figure it out why they don’t want to fly it.”

The tanker has had fuel problems and difficulties with boom construction in the past, but Mr. Huber remains hopeful. “I don’t care what others think,” he said. "It's helped make us here in the hanger feel more at ease and although I’m a practicing Nihilist, seeing the image does reassure me that things are going to turn out okay and that our tanker here will be our little miracle.”

In an official press release, The Mayor of Dresden, Ingolf Roßberg wrote of the image, "I'm not sure what message Jesus is trying to send to us and maybe we'll never know." The Mayor also wrote that he thinks, "the fuel leak may have healing powers" and he is currently seeking a court injunction to keep EADS from fixing it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

EADS Pulls Controversial Advertisements

TAnchorman today reports that, in what can only be described as a stunning turn of events, EADS was forced to drop its new "I am EADS" advertisement campaign.

The original “I am EADS” advertisement series was touted as one of the most innovative among corporate advertising campaigns. These ads focused on the American men and women who work for EADS and provide a warm American face to the state-owned European conglomerate.

The new improved "I am EADS" campaign was to highlight the owners and rouge, but lovable, international customers that make EADS was it is today. Pictured above is one of the ads (click on it to increase the size).

EADS spokesperson Helmitt Fritz initially defended the ads by saying, "Americans have to understand that some of the subtleties and nuances get lost in the translation. Putin is a really a big supporter of US foreign policy. You just have to look him in the eyes and get a sense of his soul."

The French advertising company responsible for the ads though has since quit the account over creative differences. They now plan to focus exclusively on creating more creepy Burger King ads.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

EADS To Be Put On Notice

TAnchorman is pleased to announce that award winning news host Steve Colbert of the Colbert Report has been rumored to be readying a universal condemnation of the Air Force tanker contract decision. As such, he has put EADS near the top of his On-Notice List.

New Team 4 has also received preliminary reports that Mr. Colbert will announce later this week that Airbus will be put on his Dead-to-Me List.

It is about time more conservatives got in the tanker fight.

KC-30 Tanker Naming Contest Update

TAnchorman would like to thank Tanker War Blog for allowing me to host and judge the KC-30 naming contest. It is a high honor and I take the responsibility to run a fair competition very seriously.

Remember the rules for the contest are simple:

1) Suggested names must be brief, no more than two short words. (No EADS you don't get extra credit of longer names or words that carry more vowels. So please stop having your Senator write us demanding changes to our RFP.)

2) Entrants are encouraged to include a brief explanation for their idea if needed.

3) Entries should be in the spirit of good humor. Keep it classy!

4) All entries must be received by 11:59 PM EST 31 May 2008.
Here are some noteworthy of the submissions received to date:

the DeGaull Bladder

the Corkerel (This is the French national bird also known as the Gallic Rooster)

the Scarebus

the Parisian Peacock

the Flying Subsidy

the FODzilla (FOD is Foreign Object Debris. The implication being it is big and will fall apart.)

the Tankosaurs

Best Tanker Ever (TAnchorman comments: This submission has been disqualified as it is too long and not believable enough)

the Petrosaurs (The Pterosaurs was a flying dinosaur)

the Mockingbird (Since we will surely be mocked for our stupidity in buying it)

the Bloated Emu (Flightless bird that has EU in the name)

the Flying Frog

the French Fly or French Fry

the Albatross

the Outsource

Keep the submissions coming........

Monday, May 19, 2008

Post-Fight Hearing Transcript Uncovered

Many have continued to speculated if there was a specific incident that led to Vice Chief of Staff of the Air Force, Gen. Duncan McNabb conducting a joint meeting with the CEO's of Boeing and Northrop Grumman last month.

There had been talk that it was the result of a scuffle that took place behind Tortilla Coast just prior to a tanker hearing on Capitol Hill. But until now, the News Team 4 has not been able to verify TAnchorman's first hand accounts of the event.

Today though a professional staff member on the House Armed Services Committee was able to release to us the following transcript of a post-fight conversation that was picked up on their microphone right before a hearing:

Ron Burgundy: I'm proud of you fellas. You all kept your head on a swivel, and that's what you gotta do when you find yourself thrust into the middle of vicious cockfight.

Fake Ron Sugar: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast!

Fake Allan McArtor: It jumped up a notch!

Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Fake Ralph Crosby: Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart!

Ron Burgundy: I saw that! Ralphy Boy killed a guy! Did you throw a trident?

Fake Ralph Crosby: Yeah, there were horses, and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident!

Ron Burgundy: Ralph, I've been meaning to talk to you about that. You should probably find yourself a safehouse or a distant relative. Lay low for a while, because you're probably wanted for murder.

Fake Allan McArtor: You got friends in France right?

Fake Ron Sugar: I'm not sure that's a good idea. Rember, Ralph is kind of implicated in France on massive insider trading scandal. It's sort of a big deal.

Ron Burgundy: How about Mobile?

Fake Allen McArtor: Ah yes, beautiful Mobile discovered by the Germans in 1904, they named it Mobile, which of course in German means "lovely toe".

Ron Burgudy: No, there's no way that's correct.

Fake Allan McArtor: I'm sorry, I was trying to impress you. I don't know what it means. I'll be honest, I don't think anyone knows what it means anymore. Scholars maintain that the translation was lost hundreds of years ago.

Fake Ron Sugar: Doesn't it come from the Muskhogean Native American people who had built a fortified town they called “Maubila” from which the name Mobile was later derived?

Fake Allan McArtor: No. No. That's not it at all.

Ron Burgudy: No, I think Dr. Sugar is right, that's what it means. Really.

Fake Allan McArtor: Agree to disagree.

Fake Ralph Crosby: Mmm, I just burnt my tongue.

Fake Ron Sugar: Damn it Burgundy, I told you to keep lighters away from Ralph.

[Note: The above names have been changed to protect the innocent. Any likeness or similarities to real people is strictly coincidental.]

We have since reprimanded Ron Burgundy (aka TAnchorman) for actively participating in a news story instead of just reporting on it. We apologise and we ask for our readers forgiveness. We know you have many media choices and if you wanted such bush league antics you would have visited Geraldo's blog.

We would again like to thank the professional staff of the House Armed Services Committee, as this transcript has helped us answers a number of questions including:

1) Why Gen. McNabb felt he had to calm the situation.
2) Why the CEO of EADS North America has not been heard from lately.
3) Why you should never play with lighters.

Friday, May 16, 2008

EADS Tests New KC-30 MOG Procedures

TAnchorman has this exclusive video of a 1/16 model test of new Maximum-On-Ground (MOG) enhancement procedures to accommodate the larger KC-30.

Because the KC-30 will not fit at many existing airfields, EADS is testing the stacking technique shown in the video.

So far this procedure is only authorized for the KC-30 when empty, but an EADS spokesperson assures this reporter that, after they get some kinks worked out, it will also be authorized for fully loaded tankers.

The spokesperson went on to state, "See there is no MOG problem. This just shows you that at EADS we have the bold vision to try new things and not cling to old ways of doing business. Boeing engineers would have never have thought of this."

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Consumer Alert: Beware of Sub-prime Contractors

Today I want to bring your attention an important consumer alert to inform you about a serious danger to our economy: Sub-prime Contractors.

Many of us are now realizing the toll sub-prime lending has had on the economy and the millions of families who have lost their homes because of these unscrupulous lenders. But, what most people don't realize is the equally grave danger sub-prime military contractors pose to our economy.

Never heard of a sub-prime contractor, you say.

We let me explain, a sub-prime contractor works much like a sub-prime lender. The sub-prime contractor is one who sells to the government but would not normally qualify for contracts as a prime contractor. Some are independent, but increasingly they are affiliates of foreign contractors operating under different names.

Sub-prime contractors seldom if ever identify themselves as such, and often they use established well known American companies as false fronts or as ghost prime contractors.

The only clear giveaway is their prices, which uniformly have low teaser rates and much higher life cycle costs. You want to avoid them if you can, but if you must deal with them be sure to factor in all cost correctly.

I can't stress how important it is to stay away for sub-prime contractors. To illustrate this point let me read you an e-mail I recently received:

Dear TAnchorman,

I've just signed a contract with what I now realize is a sub-prime contractor. After closing I found out there were all these costs and fees: $30 billion more in fuel costs, $19 billion more in maintenance/infrastructure costs. And the darn thing is so big that it can't even be used at 50% of the places I work.

I don't know what to do, and I really need that extra money for transformation and some air dominance.


Tragically it may be too late for anything but a congressional bailout for A.F., but it doesn't have to be that way for you.

So remember buyers, do your homework and be sure you know exactly with whom you are dealing. Also, be sure to look for words such as Aeronautic and European in the small print or in listings of subcontractors; these are usually good indications that the buyer should beware.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Original EADS Tanker Contract E-mail Uncovered

Through the use of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) TAnchorman has uncovered the original e-mail that led to the current tanker controversy:

Please help me.

I know that it may sound strange to receive an email from someone you do not know at all, but I am desperate to save my life and future that is the reason I took this bold step, made some research and got your contact. I have confidence that this is the right step toward the right direction.

My name is Cynthia Gabah and I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa. My mother died of cancer just after my birth and I have been with my father who refuses to marry a second wife all through.

Most unfortunately for me, my father just died in a car accident on his way to one of his Airbus airplane factories. After the accident, he was recovered dead and the burial ceremony was done properly.

My main problem now is that my father’s relatives want me to marry their uncle in order to secure my family wealth. They said that if I marry to an outsider, our family wealth will be taken to another people and that they will not accept. They said it is their right to preserve their family wealth and lineage. I refused because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man of 71 years. Although I am just a young woman of only 20 years old, I believe I have the right to choose my own husband for myself.

Last month, they sent some hired assassins to kill me in our family house but as God will have it, I manage to escape that death and I ran away from our family house to a place that I am hiding presently to secure my life. This issue is serious.

Fortunately for me, my fathers company was given a US Air Force Tanker contract of USD$ 35 000 000 000.00 thirty five billion dollars that family members are not aware of. During the deposit, my father’s company had agreement with the bank that the money will not be given directly to me until I’m 26 years of age. Or if I wish to receive the money before my 26 years old, then, I must create a aircraft final assembly site in the US with a company that will stand in my stead and receive the money in his/her bank account.

Considering that fact that I am only 20 now and the present situation with my relatives, I humbly request that you stand as my US guardian and legal partner so that the bank will release and transfer the money to you. I will relocate to meet with you once the money is transferred to you so I can start a new life there.

Please come to my rescue immediately and God will reward you. I am ready to compensate you with 20% of the total amount and if you like, we can also go into partnership with my money.

I thank you for your time to read this mail and I wait to hear from you and until then, God richly bless you.

Cynthia Gabah

Yes dear readers, if only the spam blocker at a certain defense contractor headquartered in Los Angeles was working properly the fateful day this e-mail went out, we might not find ourselves in this current situation.

Let this be a lesson to all of you that the beautiful, hot 20 year old woman you met on the internet might just really be a bald 64 year old Frenchman named Louis Gallois.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Stay Classy Northrop

Good day and good news.

Today I would like to reiterated what I have said on a number of occasions, I don't believe an ugly fight between Northrop Grumman and Boeing is good for America. It also misses the point since the true enemy is Airbus.

We all know my friends and heroes of the USAF tanker contract debate at TankerWarBlog have been very hard on EADS, Airbus' parent company, because EADS can not be trusted to be good economic or defense partners.

I am very disappointed to find that Northrop Grumman has decided to counter any questions raised about EADS by handing out fliers attacking its competitor and stating "Boeing has a long history of criminal misconduct".

Sweet Lincoln's mullet that's getting ugly!

Regardless of this attack, I have asked that Boeing not reciprocate by publishing their list of NG missteps because I believe it serves no purpose. As I have stated before, we all understand that companies have employees who behave badly from time to time. What makes EADS unique in this discussion though is that the French or German governments rarely hold it accountable when its actions are detrimental to the US.

Also, I would like to take NG to task for putting the corporate front group Citizens Against Government Waste (CAGW) up to naming two of the tanker critics as "Porkers of the Month". Maybe it will score some points in Mobile, but everyone in this town knows the story on lobbying money to CAGW.Besides, Airbus can fight their own battles. Here is a nice zinger just reported today:

“I think they [Boeing] are competition-averse, period,” Allan McArtor, chairman of Airbus Americas, told The Hill. He said the production of the commercial aircraft in Mobile will break Boeing’s monopoly in the United States.
Thanks for the aerospace industry insight Airbus, I'll be sure to lead with that story on the evening news.

Everyone I have a breaking news item, "Airbus hates Boeing and says bad things about them."

Now as for you NG, like I said, "You Stay Classy."