Friday, June 20, 2008

EADS Comments on GAO Tanker Decision

EADS, still shocked over the GAO's unexpectedly scathing decision on the tanker contract award decision has decided to highlight that often things do not go as planned in the military.

"In fact," said EADS spokesperson Jon Batiste, "military decision making is often screwed up, so this condition should not be considered grounds for a contract rebid.

Mr. Batiste further mentioned that he believed that, "an American general of some importance once said, 'A bad contract decision executed now, is preferable to a good contract executed later.' Or something like that."

In related news, today the Air Force released its Agency Post Decision Brief where they make an argument for continuing with the contract regardless of the GAO decision:
In closing we quote that great scholar and patriot Bluto, "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

So we respectfully say that the GAO should mind its own business. Civilian control of military procurement and Congressional oversight only go so far in our minds. We are going ahead with awarding the contract to the KC-30 team so get over it.
Boeing declined TAnchorman's offer to comment.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Winner

TAnchorman would like to announce that, in a bizarre twist of events, a dark horse write-in candidate has won the Name the Tanker Contest.

Throughout the contest two of the finalist, Scarebus and Euronator, looked as though they would make this a two party race by building a substantial lead on the competition.

But, over the weekend a furious grassroots write-in campaign was mounted in support of the name Le Misérable. A reader who identified himself only as V. Hugo was seemingly able to use his considerable LinkedIn contacts and Facebook friends to overwhelm the established party candidates.

The final tallies for the candidates were as follows: Scarebus received 11 votes, Euronator received 23 votes, and Le Miz received 136 votes.

For winning, Mr. Hugo will receive a full color poster of the KC-30. We apologize in advance for its condition as it was unfortunately, and totally accidentally, ripped a number of times by IAM union members visiting the Hill in support of the KC-767.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Finalists

TAnchorman is proud to present the official nose art for the KC-30, as seen on the right, and to announce the top 15 submissions to the name the KC-30 contest:

1) the FODzilla
2) the Scarebus
3) the Euronator
4) the DeGaull Bladder
5) the Tankosaurus
6) the Bloated Buzzard
7) the Bobbitt Boomer
8) the S Cargo
9) the Hauling Gasser (The G is silent)
10) the Jaeger
11) the French Tinkler
12) the Follies Breger
13) the Wankyan Tanka (Note: Wakinyan Tanka is the Native American Thunder Bird.
14) the Hunker Junker (Note: Junkers was a WWII German aircraft company)
15) the Flying Dutchcan (Note: Myth of a sea captain selling his soul to the devil. Also, EADS Hq is in the Netherlands)

From these submission we have chosen the below 7 finalists which we will now allow our readers to vote on to decide the name of the KC-30. The poll will close at noon on 16 June and the winner will be announced that evening.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Worker Sees Face of Jesus in Fuel Leak

Last Thursday in a hanger outside of Dresden Germany, EADS maintenance worker Erwin Huber was cleaning off the first tanker scheduled to be delivered as part of the US Air Force contract. While doing so, he was startled to see the residue of a fuel leak.

“I wasn’t really worried about the leak,” he said, “That happens all the time with this thing. But, I just couldn't believe my eyes because the leak residue on the side of the plane looked like the face of Jesus.”(Click on photo to view larger size)

"When I saw it I got goose pimples," 35-year-old Mr Huber said yesterday. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair."

EADS’s head of marketing, Marwan Lahoud, was quick to capitalize on the phenomena by offering what is now being marketed as “God’s New Tanker” to the Vatican.

In a full page ad in L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO publish yesterday, EADS claims:
Only one tanker provides the most capability for the Swiss Guards.

Only one tanker offers the best value for the parishioners.

Only one tanker is willing to open a production facility in Vatican City that will support 48,000 new tourist jobs.

Only one tanker has been judged superior by God in 8 out of 10 Commandments.
It should be noted that no one this reporter spoke to at the Vatican was willing to provide an official comment on EADS's offer to supply tankers or their statement to have created God's favored plane.

Regardless if the Holy See decides to purchase the plane or not, an EADS spokesperson stated that, “The image may delay the delivery to the Air Force. The number of people who have crowed the hanger to view the leak has caused quite a work slow down. Also, pilots are now refusing to fly the holy plane.”

Hans Studer, head of the German pilots union refuted this claim by saying, “All our pilots are somewhat religious but their refusal to fly it had nothing to do with the image. The plane is holey all right, but it is hardly divine. You figure it out why they don’t want to fly it.”

The tanker has had fuel problems and difficulties with boom construction in the past, but Mr. Huber remains hopeful. “I don’t care what others think,” he said. "It's helped make us here in the hanger feel more at ease and although I’m a practicing Nihilist, seeing the image does reassure me that things are going to turn out okay and that our tanker here will be our little miracle.”

In an official press release, The Mayor of Dresden, Ingolf Roßberg wrote of the image, "I'm not sure what message Jesus is trying to send to us and maybe we'll never know." The Mayor also wrote that he thinks, "the fuel leak may have healing powers" and he is currently seeking a court injunction to keep EADS from fixing it.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

EADS Pulls Controversial Advertisements

TAnchorman today reports that, in what can only be described as a stunning turn of events, EADS was forced to drop its new "I am EADS" advertisement campaign.

The original “I am EADS” advertisement series was touted as one of the most innovative among corporate advertising campaigns. These ads focused on the American men and women who work for EADS and provide a warm American face to the state-owned European conglomerate.

The new improved "I am EADS" campaign was to highlight the owners and rouge, but lovable, international customers that make EADS was it is today. Pictured above is one of the ads (click on it to increase the size).

EADS spokesperson Helmitt Fritz initially defended the ads by saying, "Americans have to understand that some of the subtleties and nuances get lost in the translation. Putin is a really a big supporter of US foreign policy. You just have to look him in the eyes and get a sense of his soul."

The French advertising company responsible for the ads though has since quit the account over creative differences. They now plan to focus exclusively on creating more creepy Burger King ads.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

EADS To Be Put On Notice

TAnchorman is pleased to announce that award winning news host Steve Colbert of the Colbert Report has been rumored to be readying a universal condemnation of the Air Force tanker contract decision. As such, he has put EADS near the top of his On-Notice List.

New Team 4 has also received preliminary reports that Mr. Colbert will announce later this week that Airbus will be put on his Dead-to-Me List.

It is about time more conservatives got in the tanker fight.

KC-30 Tanker Naming Contest Update

TAnchorman would like to thank Tanker War Blog for allowing me to host and judge the KC-30 naming contest. It is a high honor and I take the responsibility to run a fair competition very seriously.

Remember the rules for the contest are simple:

1) Suggested names must be brief, no more than two short words. (No EADS you don't get extra credit of longer names or words that carry more vowels. So please stop having your Senator write us demanding changes to our RFP.)

2) Entrants are encouraged to include a brief explanation for their idea if needed.

3) Entries should be in the spirit of good humor. Keep it classy!

4) All entries must be received by 11:59 PM EST 31 May 2008.
Here are some noteworthy of the submissions received to date:

the DeGaull Bladder

the Corkerel (This is the French national bird also known as the Gallic Rooster)

the Scarebus

the Parisian Peacock

the Flying Subsidy

the FODzilla (FOD is Foreign Object Debris. The implication being it is big and will fall apart.)

the Tankosaurs

Best Tanker Ever (TAnchorman comments: This submission has been disqualified as it is too long and not believable enough)

the Petrosaurs (The Pterosaurs was a flying dinosaur)

the Mockingbird (Since we will surely be mocked for our stupidity in buying it)

the Bloated Emu (Flightless bird that has EU in the name)

the Flying Frog

the French Fly or French Fry

the Albatross

the Outsource

Keep the submissions coming........