Friday, June 20, 2008

EADS Comments on GAO Tanker Decision

EADS, still shocked over the GAO's unexpectedly scathing decision on the tanker contract award decision has decided to highlight that often things do not go as planned in the military.

"In fact," said EADS spokesperson Jon Batiste, "military decision making is often screwed up, so this condition should not be considered grounds for a contract rebid.

Mr. Batiste further mentioned that he believed that, "an American general of some importance once said, 'A bad contract decision executed now, is preferable to a good contract executed later.' Or something like that."

In related news, today the Air Force released its Agency Post Decision Brief where they make an argument for continuing with the contract regardless of the GAO decision:
In closing we quote that great scholar and patriot Bluto, "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

So we respectfully say that the GAO should mind its own business. Civilian control of military procurement and Congressional oversight only go so far in our minds. We are going ahead with awarding the contract to the KC-30 team so get over it.
Boeing declined TAnchorman's offer to comment.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Winner

TAnchorman would like to announce that, in a bizarre twist of events, a dark horse write-in candidate has won the Name the Tanker Contest.

Throughout the contest two of the finalist, Scarebus and Euronator, looked as though they would make this a two party race by building a substantial lead on the competition.

But, over the weekend a furious grassroots write-in campaign was mounted in support of the name Le Misérable. A reader who identified himself only as V. Hugo was seemingly able to use his considerable LinkedIn contacts and Facebook friends to overwhelm the established party candidates.

The final tallies for the candidates were as follows: Scarebus received 11 votes, Euronator received 23 votes, and Le Miz received 136 votes.

For winning, Mr. Hugo will receive a full color poster of the KC-30. We apologize in advance for its condition as it was unfortunately, and totally accidentally, ripped a number of times by IAM union members visiting the Hill in support of the KC-767.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Name the Tanker Contest Finalists

TAnchorman is proud to present the official nose art for the KC-30, as seen on the right, and to announce the top 15 submissions to the name the KC-30 contest:

1) the FODzilla
2) the Scarebus
3) the Euronator
4) the DeGaull Bladder
5) the Tankosaurus
6) the Bloated Buzzard
7) the Bobbitt Boomer
8) the S Cargo
9) the Hauling Gasser (The G is silent)
10) the Jaeger
11) the French Tinkler
12) the Follies Breger
13) the Wankyan Tanka (Note: Wakinyan Tanka is the Native American Thunder Bird.
14) the Hunker Junker (Note: Junkers was a WWII German aircraft company)
15) the Flying Dutchcan (Note: Myth of a sea captain selling his soul to the devil. Also, EADS Hq is in the Netherlands)

From these submission we have chosen the below 7 finalists which we will now allow our readers to vote on to decide the name of the KC-30. The poll will close at noon on 16 June and the winner will be announced that evening.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Worker Sees Face of Jesus in Fuel Leak

Last Thursday in a hanger outside of Dresden Germany, EADS maintenance worker Erwin Huber was cleaning off the first tanker scheduled to be delivered as part of the US Air Force contract. While doing so, he was startled to see the residue of a fuel leak.

“I wasn’t really worried about the leak,” he said, “That happens all the time with this thing. But, I just couldn't believe my eyes because the leak residue on the side of the plane looked like the face of Jesus.”(Click on photo to view larger size)

"When I saw it I got goose pimples," 35-year-old Mr Huber said yesterday. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair."

EADS’s head of marketing, Marwan Lahoud, was quick to capitalize on the phenomena by offering what is now being marketed as “God’s New Tanker” to the Vatican.

In a full page ad in L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO publish yesterday, EADS claims:
Only one tanker provides the most capability for the Swiss Guards.

Only one tanker offers the best value for the parishioners.

Only one tanker is willing to open a production facility in Vatican City that will support 48,000 new tourist jobs.

Only one tanker has been judged superior by God in 8 out of 10 Commandments.
It should be noted that no one this reporter spoke to at the Vatican was willing to provide an official comment on EADS's offer to supply tankers or their statement to have created God's favored plane.

Regardless if the Holy See decides to purchase the plane or not, an EADS spokesperson stated that, “The image may delay the delivery to the Air Force. The number of people who have crowed the hanger to view the leak has caused quite a work slow down. Also, pilots are now refusing to fly the holy plane.”

Hans Studer, head of the German pilots union refuted this claim by saying, “All our pilots are somewhat religious but their refusal to fly it had nothing to do with the image. The plane is holey all right, but it is hardly divine. You figure it out why they don’t want to fly it.”

The tanker has had fuel problems and difficulties with boom construction in the past, but Mr. Huber remains hopeful. “I don’t care what others think,” he said. "It's helped make us here in the hanger feel more at ease and although I’m a practicing Nihilist, seeing the image does reassure me that things are going to turn out okay and that our tanker here will be our little miracle.”

In an official press release, The Mayor of Dresden, Ingolf Roßberg wrote of the image, "I'm not sure what message Jesus is trying to send to us and maybe we'll never know." The Mayor also wrote that he thinks, "the fuel leak may have healing powers" and he is currently seeking a court injunction to keep EADS from fixing it.