EADS Comments on GAO Tanker Decision

EADS, still shocked over the GAO's unexpectedly scathing decision on the tanker contract award decision has decided to highlight that often things do not go as planned in the military.

"In fact," said EADS spokesperson Jon Batiste, "military decision making is often screwed up, so this condition should not be considered grounds for a contract rebid.

Mr. Batiste further mentioned that he believed that, "an American general of some importance once said, 'A bad contract decision executed now, is preferable to a good contract executed later.' Or something like that."

In related news, today the Air Force released its Agency Post Decision Brief where they make an argument for continuing with the contract regardless of the GAO decision:

In closing we quote that great scholar and patriot Bluto, "Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

So we respectfully say that the GAO should mind its own business. Civilian control of military procurement and Congressional oversight only go so far in our minds. We are going ahead with awarding the contract to the KC-30 team so get over it.

Boeing declined TAnchorman's offer to comment.

Worker Sees Face of Jesus in Fuel Leak

Last Thursday in a hanger outside of Dresden Germany, EADS maintenance worker Erwin Huber was cleaning off the first tanker scheduled to be delivered as part of the US Air Force contract. While doing so, he was startled to see the residue of a fuel leak.

“I wasn’t really worried about the leak,” he said, “That happens all the time with this thing. But, I just couldn't believe my eyes because the leak residue on the side of the plane looked like the face of Jesus.”(Click on photo to view larger size)

"When I saw it I got goose pimples," 35-year-old Mr Huber said yesterday. "I have no doubt it is the face of Jesus. You can even see his beard and hair."

EADS’s head of marketing, Marwan Lahoud, was quick to capitalize on the phenomena by offering what is now being marketed as “God’s New Tanker” to the Vatican.

In a full page ad in L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO publish yesterday, EADS claims:

Only one tanker provides the most capability for the Swiss Guards.

Only one tanker offers the best value for the parishioners.

Only one tanker is willing to open a production facility in Vatican City that will support 48,000 new tourist jobs.

Only one tanker has been judged superior by God in 8 out of 10 Commandments.

It should be noted that no one this reporter spoke to at the Vatican was willing to provide an official comment on EADS's offer to supply tankers or their statement to have created God's favored plane.

Regardless if the Holy See decides to purchase the plane or not, an EADS spokesperson stated that, “The image may delay the delivery to the Air Force. The number of people who have crowed the hanger to view the leak has caused quite a work slow down. Also, pilots are now refusing to fly the holy plane.”

Hans Studer, head of the German pilots union refuted this claim by saying, “All our pilots are somewhat religious but their refusal to fly it had nothing to do with the image. The plane is holey all right, but it is hardly divine. You figure it out why they don’t want to fly it.”

The tanker has had fuel problems and difficulties with boom construction in the past, but Mr. Huber remains hopeful. “I don’t care what others think,” he said. "It's helped make us here in the hanger feel more at ease and although I’m a practicing Nihilist, seeing the image does reassure me that things are going to turn out okay and that our tanker here will be our little miracle.”

In an official press release, The Mayor of Dresden, Ingolf Roßberg wrote of the image, "I'm not sure what message Jesus is trying to send to us and maybe we'll never know." The Mayor also wrote that he thinks, "the fuel leak may have healing powers" and he is currently seeking a court injunction to keep EADS from fixing it.

Original EADS Tanker Contract E-mail Uncovered

Through the use of the Freedom of Information Act (FOIA) TAnchorman has uncovered the original e-mail that led to the current tanker controversy:

Please help me.

I know that it may sound strange to receive an email from someone you do not know at all, but I am desperate to save my life and future that is the reason I took this bold step, made some research and got your contact. I have confidence that this is the right step toward the right direction.

My name is Cynthia Gabah and I am from Ivory Coast a country in West Africa. My mother died of cancer just after my birth and I have been with my father who refuses to marry a second wife all through.

Most unfortunately for me, my father just died in a car accident on his way to one of his Airbus airplane factories. After the accident, he was recovered dead and the burial ceremony was done properly.

My main problem now is that my father’s relatives want me to marry their uncle in order to secure my family wealth. They said that if I marry to an outsider, our family wealth will be taken to another people and that they will not accept. They said it is their right to preserve their family wealth and lineage. I refused because it is ridiculous for them to compel me to marry an old man of 71 years. Although I am just a young woman of only 20 years old, I believe I have the right to choose my own husband for myself.

Last month, they sent some hired assassins to kill me in our family house but as God will have it, I manage to escape that death and I ran away from our family house to a place that I am hiding presently to secure my life. This issue is serious.

Fortunately for me, my fathers company was given a US Air Force Tanker contract of USD$ 35 000 000 000.00 thirty five billion dollars that family members are not aware of. During the deposit, my father’s company had agreement with the bank that the money will not be given directly to me until I’m 26 years of age. Or if I wish to receive the money before my 26 years old, then, I must create a aircraft final assembly site in the US with a company that will stand in my stead and receive the money in his/her bank account.

Considering that fact that I am only 20 now and the present situation with my relatives, I humbly request that you stand as my US guardian and legal partner so that the bank will release and transfer the money to you. I will relocate to meet with you once the money is transferred to you so I can start a new life there.

Please come to my rescue immediately and God will reward you. I am ready to compensate you with 20% of the total amount and if you like, we can also go into partnership with my money.

I thank you for your time to read this mail and I wait to hear from you and until then, God richly bless you.

Cynthia Gabah
cinthiagabah06@libero.it

Yes dear readers, if only the spam blocker at a certain defense contractor headquartered in Los Angeles was working properly the fateful day this e-mail went out, we might not find ourselves in this current situation.

Let this be a lesson to all of you that the beautiful, hot 20 year old woman you met on the internet might just really be a bald 64 year old Frenchman named Louis Gallois.